you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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