I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
