He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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