Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Farmville is her only friend.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
