My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
