i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
