will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
