omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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