I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
