She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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