I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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