she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
