Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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