Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
