Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
