I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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