like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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