found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
