i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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