bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
