WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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