he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
