I just saw a hot homeless man
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
