Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
