please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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