I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
