is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
