My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
