You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
