I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
