naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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