just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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