Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
