I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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