He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
