I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
BRING THE BAGELS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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