It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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