No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
