The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
