yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
