i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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