He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
