Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I could make wine with my vomit
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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