This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
