I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
