This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
