any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
