There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I touched a dick in church today
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
