She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I've blown a few things in my day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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