now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think my mom watched the whole time
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
