that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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