i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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