Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
