I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
