Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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