I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
