Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i think im in europe. pls send help
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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