I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
