doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
