I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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