First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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