Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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