I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
