Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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