peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
