if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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