seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
