Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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